Breaking the cycle of thoughts

I found myself crying at the office again today – at a cubicle, in front of the mirror, on my desk, while eating lunch.

I was so confused on how I found myself in this situation. I couldn’t accept why I have been mistreated and so very badly so.

I hated myself for being overly dramatic, deeply affected, and totally invested in these crazy emotions. It went up high saying that today will be the day I can say I am moving on. Then it crashes down burning into a pile of ash as I wonder again why I have been mistreated and so very badly so.

Throughout the day, I slowly hit the block buttons: on Facebook, on Instagram, my messages. Wait, why does the YouVersion Bible App doesn’t have a block button? Still, I hit on the UNFRIEND button. I mean, why must I see on my feeds his reading plans and Bible verses?

I traversed the Makati streets with a scorn on my face. Everybody was stupid: the girl typing on her phone lazily walking the pathway to work on rush hour, the bartender who asked thrice what my order was, even the nurse who wouldn’t give me exact instructions on how to wave my chest x-ray. Stupid people.

I am clumsy.
I mistook a step going to work, I dropped my water bottle, another misstep, another set of utensils dropped. I even dropped a newly opened toothpick pack at the resto I always go to while waiting for the bus home.


I mistook a step going to work, I dropped my water bottle, another misstep, another set of utensils dropped. I even dropped a newly opened toothpick pack at the resto I always go to while waiting for the bus home.

I am a mess.

But still, in all my lack of grace, God was still there, patiently killing the fumes coming out of my head.

He laid down a whole set of promises for me in Romans 8, the Message version.

I was a ball of emotions. I held back my tears at the backseat of a madaldal na taxi driver’s stinky car as God answered the many WHY’s I shouted at him with so much anger and angst.

With the arrival of Jesus, the Messiah, that fateful dilemma is resolved. Those who enter into Christ’s being-here-for-us no longer have to live under a continuous, low-lying black cloud. A new power is in operation. The Spirit of life in Christ, like a strong wind, has magnificently cleared the air, freeing you from a fated lifetime of brutal tyranny at the hands of sin and death.

Romans 8:1‭-‬2 MSG

I realized during that ugly sunset ride across Manila’s busy streets that I have been so short-sighted. The ending we’re looking for is not the happily-ever-after at the altar, it’s the coming of the full glory of God who died on the cross for my sins!

Why did I need to seek validation from a man who repeatedly hurts me by being with another woman and still comes running back to me and whispers “I love you”s?!!

So at that moment of reverie, I repented.

But there were still a lot of things God was dealing with me. The verse above talks about a low-lying black cloud in my life.

A little backstory here. In 2016, a friend of my wrote to me:

Picture here

That note stayed in my letterbox up to this day because I never discovered what that dark cloud is.

For this next backstory, 2019 Prayer and Fasting was yet the most powerful one as I battled a lot of relational roots that was exposed during this moment of consecration.

So as I read Romans 8:1-2, I felt a glory light focused on me as it hit me. This is the time of revelation. These low-lying cloud (my past, my insecurities, my jealousy, the spirit of rejection living in me), God will reveal himself.

I imagine Him, in His all greatness and glory breaking through the clouds.

As I let this promise sink in, His peace that transcends all understanding sips into my heart and I am made new again.

I am sorry I doubted you God. I am sorry for the anger and the hate. I am sorry for not believing in you and running back to my old ways. Lord, I repent. Forgive me, in Jesus’ name. AMEN

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